Funny Quotes

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This was making my profile über long, so I'mma make a journal entry instead... :)

1. "I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass."
2. "I told my psychologist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone
hasn't met me yet."
3. "I'm at peace with the world. I'm completely serene. I've discovered my purpose in life. I
know why I was put here and why everything exists... I am here so everybody can do what I want. Once everybody accepts it, they'll be serene too."
4. "I'm smiling. That alone should scare you."
5. "My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time."
6. "My mind works like lightning...One brilliant flash and it's gone."
7. "Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted."
8. All the nice guys are ugly, and the hot ones are rude. The Hot and nice ones are gay...
9. Always forgive your enemies, because nothing annoys them more.
10. An essay is an attempt to explain something that could have been said in two sentences.
11. Be normal and the crowd adores you. Be insane and they make you their leader.
12. Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!
13. Behold! The All-American weapon of mass destruction: choking on a pretzel.
14. Chaos always wins, because it's better organized.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
17. Don't interupt me when I'm talking to myself.
18. Duct tape is like the force. Dark on one side, light on the other, and it holds the universe together.
19. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
20. Earth: The rednecks of the Universe
21. Great minds roll in the same gutter.
22. I brake for fairies, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, and other invisible creatures that only I
can see.
23. I didn't say it was your fault, I SAID, I was going to blame you.
24. I hate nothing. Just dislike with a passion of a thousand suns.
25. I have PMS and a gun... now what were you saying?
26. I may be dumb but you're just jealous because you're smart and good behavior is
expected of you...
27. I used to listen to the voices in my head, but I ran out of places to hide the bodies.
28. I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
29. If at first you don't succeed...Cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
30. If God wanted man to be vegetarian, he would have made broccoli funner to shoot at
31. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
32. I'm nobody...Nobody is perfect... so I'm BETTER THAN YOU.
33. In America, violence isn't the answer. 'Violence' is the question and 'yes' is the answer!
34. Its more fun and effective to attack using humour. Self defense is difficult when everyone is laughing.
35. Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard; be evil.
36. Leave me alone or you will walk away with one less finger.
37. Manga: The Anti-Drug. Because when you're addicted to manga, how could you possibly afford drugs?!
38. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
39. Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
40. No need to suffer in silence when you can still moan, whimper, and complain.
41. No problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
42. Of course I'm out of my mind!...It's dark and scary in there...
43. Only in America do pizzas arrive at doorsteps faster than ambulances.
44. Rule 34 of the Internet: If you can imagine it, there's porn of it.
45. Sarcasm is your body's natural defense against stupidity.
46. Sometimes I Wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" and then it hits me!!
47. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
48. The butterflies are plotting SOMETHING...
49. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits.
50. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends if they're okay, then it's you.
51. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't!
52. There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest have to test the electric fence for themselves.
53. There's nothing that can't be fixed with: ducttape, chocolate, or by running it over.
54. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
55. Tucking fypos!
56. What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
57. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
58. Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...
59. Why be mature when immaturity allows you to stick your tongue out at people and shout and rant and all that fun stuff?
60. Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
61. Winners never quit, and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are loosers.
62. You cry, I'll cry. You laugh, I'll laugh. You fall out of a window, I'll laugh even more."
63. Your chances of getting struck by lightning increase if you stand under a tree, shake your fist up at the sky, and yell, 'Storms suck!'
64. You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.
65. "Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing."
66. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
67. All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
68. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
69. Do you ever feel like your life is the butt of some great big cosmic joke?
70. I am not crazy! My reality is just different from yours
71. I don't suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it
72. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.
73. It takes 47 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and none to just sit there with a stupid look on your face.
74. Life isn't about the number of breathes we take, but the moments that take our breath way… like choking.
75. Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
76. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
77. Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
78. One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
79. People are like Slinky's, basically useless, but it's still fun to watch them fall down the stairs.
80. Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver
81. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
82. That which does not kill me had better run pretty danm fast
83. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
84. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
85. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty.
86. If God wanted man to be vegetarian, he would have made broccoli funner to shoot at.
87. Earth: The Rednecks of the Universe
88. You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
89. A sweater is a garment worn by a child when its mother is feeling chilly.
90. People demand freedom of speech to make up for freedom of thought.
91. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
92. In your bed, it's 6 AM. You close your eyes for five minutes, and it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30. You close your eyes for five minutes, and it's 1:30.
93. Roses are Red / Violets are Blue / In Soviet Russia / The Cake is True
94. America largely consists of former British, French, and Spanish territory. This explains Alfred's hair, his eyes, and his ass. (~hildmyloquir)
95. You can't whisper 'dee', it comes out 'tee'. Try it.
96. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

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Friends and Best Friends

1) A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain; a best friend takes yours and says, "RUN, -BEEP- RUN!".
2) A friend wipes your tears when your rejected; a best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?".
3) Friends never ask for anything to eat or drink. Best friends helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
4) Friends would bail you out of jail. Best friends would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN... but it was fun!"
5) Friends don't tell anyone when they see you cry. Best friends don't tell anyone either... they just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.
6) Friends borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. Best friends lose your stuff and tell you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
7) Friends will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
Best friends will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you.
8) Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.
9) Friends will help you move. Best friends will help you move a body.
10) Friends don't let you do anything stupid. Best friends don't let you do anything stupid... alone.
© 2012 - 2024 pugglemuggle
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